The Christmas Ball
by Chuuboku
Summary: Leon has a new mission, to take Ashley to the Christmas Ball! Chap. 3 up! Wow, I actually updated.
1. The more IMMENSE task

**I don't own Resident Evil like you should all know.**

"You called, sir?"

"Kennedy, please, sit down."

Government Agent Leon Kennedy sat down on the chair in front of the President's desk. Silent seconds past as he waited for the President to speak.

"I know this is of minor concern, but I want you to take my daughter to the Christmas Ball next Tuesday."

More silent seconds past as a person came into the office holding a picket sign saying, "I'm in this fanfic!" only to be dragged away by security outside.

"Sir, can you repeat that?"

"I want you too--"

"Sir, it was an expression."

The President fidgeted with his pen. MORE silent seconds past and the picket guy came back, but only got a foot through the door before getting dragged back by security, again.

"Err, I was just joking with you Kennedy. So, will you do it?"

"What happen to the twenty-seven other guys in the agency?"

"They went insane from her continuos cries of help. I wonder how you're still sane, Kennedy, I wonder how."

It was Leon's turn to start fidgeting (with the package of gum in his pocket). He couldn't tell the President that he lost Ashley a 1,000 times because of how BAD the player was at paying attention to the stupid warning sign at the bottom (and because he had ear plugs in his pocket by pure chance). Never-the-less he made it out, out of pure luck that the player's friend took over.

"What about all the guys at her college?"

"she goes to an all girls college."

The President could here Kennedy muttering, "stupid d--- college," from under his breathe and had to agree. Why couldn't the students there (who are feminists) turn her into a feminist so he wouldn't have to bother and bring her to the ball? She would drive everyone there insane and the mental institutes are running out of space fast...

"So will you Kennedy?"

"What if I go insane?"

"Well, you didn't through Resident Evil 4, so why in a fanfic?"

"It's because fanfic authors are more evil than that d--- Wesker! They just don't have an evil laugh."

The camera (who knew we had one?) zooms out of the office and to a blonde guy listening outside the window (he should be thankful that the curtains aren't drawn open). He takes out a pad of paper and scribbles out quick note that says, "become fanfic writer and make Redfield do gay things." He was about to go home to his computer and type stupid stuff about Chris but then took out his little trusty pd again and wrote, "and also make Kennedy pay for calling me 'd--- Wesker.' He then lowers himself to the ground only to hear a little kid saying, "mommy look! It's spider-man without his suit! I didn't know he was a blonde! A very outdated one at that."

"It's your paycheque or the Ball."

The camera zoomed back into the office to see Leon being blackmailed by the President, who's using his paycheque against him. Poor, poor guy.

"Fine, I'll go to the stupid Ball, but don't expect me to like it."

Leon slammed the door behind him and was led out by police officers to his car because of all of those fan girls in those clubs in DeviantART.

"I really don't expect you to Kennedy, I really don't."

Other than mobs of fan girls, the camera picked up a blonde male being tagged along by a little kid that kept calling him "Spider-Man."


	2. Before the news

"Ashley, dear..."

Ashley turned around to the sound of her father's voice trailing off. She wondered if her father got her a partner to the ball yet, she hoped it wasn't that gay Ashford guy again...

"What on earth are you wearing!"

"It's my dear sister's dress, don't you like it?"

God, that's a bit to disturbing for the human mind. Everyone who doesn't want to know about what one little twisted mind can do, I suggest you don't read the following content. If you do though, well, you've come for a hell of a ride.

"That guy's got a nice ass..."

"Alfred! What the f--- did you just say!"

"Um, that pie's going to run out fast."

"Why, why did I have to exist!"

"Excuse me sir, would you wanna have some fun?"

"Who the fu--- Why the hell are you wearing a dress!"

"I thought it was very, very festive."

"... Right, I'm just going to slink in the corner and whimper like a little girl as I stare at you wearing that hideous outfit. It's much worse then that Valentine tramp."

Giggle "All right, see you."

"What is wrong with you? What the--"

Ashley suddenly remembered what the guy just said.

"Alfred, didn't you hear him? He made fun of your sisters clothing."

This little phrase may as well be the cause for the most embarrassing thing to happen to her in all her life, but heck. The results were funny.

"You dare insult of my beautiful sister! She shall rule you all! All of you I say! ALL! You will all bow down to her beauty and kiss the very ground she walks on!"

Alfred jumped on the guy's back and started to bitch-slapping the guy into paranoia of gay men and which Alexia's dress got ruined in the process. So he got a one way ticket to hell and back when he came home.

"What is it daddy?"

"I found a nice guy for you..."

"Do I know him?"

"No, I mean yes, I mean no, I mean-- whatever. I think you know him. It's the guy that saved my ass from being flushed down that evil toilet, that Kennedy guy."

Flashback, commencing. In three... two... one...

"Leon! Help!"

"Sir! I'm coming! I'm coming! Where are the-- What the hell?"

"I was watching Survivor, by the way don't you think that host is cute, and I was hungry. So, I went to the kitchen and got my self a big bowl of bean curd and two bottles of whiskey, Canadian whiskey at that. When the show ended I needed to go take a shit and well that's how I got in my current situation, ass half consumed by the toilet. So don't just stand there, help me!"

"... That's just too much information to digest in a single sitting. Wait here, I have to go get something, don't go."

"I just did."

"..."

" Hurry!"

"All right, all right."

Several minutes passed before Leon came back with the purple plunger that the maid kept in the closet. She looked suspiciously like that Alexia girl that Claire sent a picture of. She also fit the description Claire sent too, snobby, tramp, really weird brother, freakishly smart. Yep definitely.

"Just hold on for a few minutes, sir!"

Leon stuck the plunger a little bit over what was thought to be the President's ass. Well it didn't look anything like a part of the human body, it looked more like a very wrinkled peach-coloured prune. Actually, more like two of 'em, that's disturbing.

"AHHHHHHH!"

The toilet pulled the President deeper into it's inner workings, which were as unsanitary as Leon's locker.

"Almost... got it... Whoa!"

As the plunger finally got the President's little wrinkled ass out of the toilet, everything splattered all over the place, including what the President tried to flush down. That all somehow got on our poor President's ass saviour.

"Oh my God, oh my God. Oh my f------- God!"

Terrified about the human waste that he was coated in, Leon ran out screaming like a school girl who just saw my little pony in the shop window. He was going to take a very long, long shower.

"Leon? Why didn't you say so!"

Ashley just couldn't wait. She knew that Leon's heart was reserved for that woman clad in red, but heck. Who said you can't take the chance when you got it? She rushed to her room to find a nice outfit to wear. Probably a nice one with cleavage and a nice long skirt.

"You got stuck with the President's daughter?"

"Yup, it was the ball or the paycheque that's going to be in the bomber jacket fund."

"That's rough."

"You said it Luis, wait, Luis? Aren't you suppose to be dead?"

"In fanfics, anything is possible."

Leon looked out the café window, it was going to be a long, long day next Tuesday, Then he said,

"So the author decided to bring you back to life?"

"For various reasons."

Luis let out a snicker (not the candy bar) and was about to burst into laughter about what the author (which is moi) was going to do about our poor, naive hero for the chapters to come.


	3. A little rabid twist

"Are they gone yet?"

"Not yet, amigo."

It was a grand day for Leon Scott Kennedy. First, he's blackmailed by the person he works for. Second, his new best friend (who was also his first best friend, loner) Luis knows something the author is about to do to him. Third, he had a run-in with a bunch of rabid fangirls who just so happened to be into Resident Evil.

"There he is!"

"Back off, sister! He's mine!" (I must REALLY stop watching Queen Latifa movies.)

"Off my BISHIE!"

Leon groaned, not only does he have to run another 5 miles, but he just so happened to remember who those girls were...

"Save me!"

As soon as Leon opened the door, Chris Redfield stumbled inside. Before he could blink, Leon' door was being abused by a conveniently placed hammer in the closet by Chris.

"Chris, I have something to say."

"Shoot."

"What the f--- are you doing to my door?"

There was a silent moment as Chris stood there trembling. His usually headstrong image deteriorated into that of Sherry Birkin, no offence.

"I saw, them."

"Who's them?"

Chris took Leon by the arm and pushed his face to the window. What Leon saw was a very horrid sight indeed.

"It's, it's, it's horrible!"

"Revolting I know, that's why I'm taking shelter in your house for a while since i can't run the 17 blocks to my house."

"When will they go away?"

"When they get their sacrifice."

What Leon saw was the most horrendous sight he had ever seen. There, on his front lawn were a bunch of rabid fangirls. (insert scary music hear) One was dressed like Ashley and had a bomber jacket over her that had been customized so that on the right side it said, "Ms. Kennedy." Two other's wore the same type of tube top and miniskirt that Jill Valentine wore in Resident Evil 3: Nemesis. Another wore the same outfit as Yoko, but she obviously dyed her hair since Leon could see that her eyebrows were blond and she was currently adjusting her contacts in a Compact Mirror.

"Look girls! It's Leon!"

"Back off! He's mine!"

"No, mine!'

"Mine!"

"MINE!"

After that, a cat fight ensued. The clawing, ripping, tearing, and slapping made the men feel disgusted, and a little bit horny. The girls didn't stop until they heard the police cars, who were obviously called by the angry mothers and the jealous girlfriends of the teenage boys gawking at the cat fight.

'Very interesting story, amigo."

Leon blinked, he hadn't realized that he was talking out loud. He peered behind the large billboard post and watched the police escort the fangirls into their vehicles. He heard them scream obscenities out loud and scream even louder when they caught a glimpse of him peering out behind the post.

"My bishie is looking for me! back off!"

"No, he's looking for me!"

"No, me"

Great idea looking out Leon, you just had to be curious, Leon thought. And what he thought was quite true.

In the unseen world of shadows, a blond man watches his target. Unblinking, he scans the area before he takes out his silenced pistol to take his target out-

"What are you doing Spider-Man?"

Albert Wesker sighed. This kid had been trailing around him for the past few hours, and he swore that he saw the mother bounce and rejoice that she didn't have to take care of him anymore. She expected the great Albert Wesker to take care of her own flesh and blood? She could've at least paid him for this.

"Look kid, why don't you go home to your mommy?"

"I don't have a mommy, I follow people around aimlessly and call the 'mommy' or 'daddy,' daddy."

Albert Wesker groaned, this was going to be a long day.


End file.
